Now that I’m on the dating scene again I’ve been thinking a lot about how the things I’ve learned as a behavioral psychologist apply to the oldest game of them all.
Disclaimer: I wouldn’t say I’m a Casanova, but I do know how to hold my own in the dating arena. Take these suggestions/observations as you wish, but do realize that, much like all the dating advice out there, these are just what work for me.
Changing Venues
If any of you have read, The Game, you know that one of the suggestions Strauss gives is that when on a date, you should always change venues a number of times. This apparently gives the impression that the date has lasted longer and thus that the two of you think know each other more than you actually might. But is there any psychology to this?
It turns out that there is. Our perception of when an event happened in the past is correlated with how many memory markers we have. For example, imagine you were are asked to list all the things you can think of since you last went to an amusement park and also your subjective assessment of when you last went to the amusement park. What research shows is that these your subjective assessment will be correlated with the number of items you listed. Some fancier experimental design has also demonstrated that there is a causal connection here: thinking about events actually leads to the memory change.
So when you’re on date, make sure you go for drinks before and after dinner. With three venues you’ll make it feel like you’ve known the person forever (or at least just a little bit longer)!
Comparability
In Dan Ariely’s recent book, Predictable Irrationality, he makes the point that when going out looking for dates, make sure that the person you bring along is similar to you…but slightly worse on a few dimensions. This is in contrast to bringing your ugly socially awkward friend. Seems strange right? Clearly you’ll look that much better next to the socially awkward friend than to the slightly less attractive one. So why bring the latter?
It turns out that Dan found when we are more likely to make comparisons between objects when those comparisons are easy to make. It’s easy to say “Jim and Steve are pretty similar, but Jim is a little taller…I’ll go with him” than to say “Tom looks like a troll…I don’t even want to think about him…Jim’s okay I guess, but nothing special.”
The point is that you can easily compare two similar people and find the better one, but not so with two dissimilar people. Next you’re out on the town, bring Steve along and let Tom find his own luck!
Leave Them With Something To Remember You By
Let’s assume that you’ve successfully managed to be witty and charming enough to convince someone to go on a second date with you. You’re about to finish your first date with a hug (and maybe a kiss). What should you do? Simple, leave them something to remember you by. Something small and simple works best.
I had a first date where the woman I was with was cold and so I leant her my scarf. This was a cheep $5 scarf I got from some random vendor. If I never saw it again, it wouldn’t be end of the world. But the benefit I got from giving her something was huge.
First, she was no obliged to return the scarf. This meant actually seeing me again, thus increasing the chances that the second date would happen. Second, every time she saw the scarf in her home, she thought of me. Psychology research on fluency suggests that the more one thinks of something, the more one tends to like it (mere-exposure effect…and yes, there is plenty of research on satiation which goes the other way, but when a stimulus (or person) is novel, mere-exposure tends to win out). Third, I now seem like a nice guy who’s willing to lend my things to a person in need.
There is no down side to do doing this, and like I mentioned, plenty of psychology to yield positive potential.
What other dating advice to you all have? Is it backed by anecdotes or by science? I’d love to hear it all!
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